The Bucket List

I think most people are born with dreams of goals they wish to accomplish.  As children, we don't think twice, we dive in without hesitation.  I remember watching my Hailey at 10 months decide she wanted the banana I was holding.  She stood up and took 3 steps towards me to get it.  She had not been cruizing around furniture to practice, she wasn't fearful, she just went for what she wanted and got it.  Hayden, although it took her until age 3 1/2, was the same way.  She didn't really have an interest in walking - why would she, the child could break records with how fast she could crawl and climb.  One hot August afternoon, we were playing in the backyard when the sprinklers on the golf course behind our house turned on.  With obsessive passion, Hayden had to get to the water -as most know, children with Angelman Syndrome have a bizarre fascination with water.  She started walking straight toward the golf course.  I, of course, started crying and squeeling with excitement - which probably scared her causing her to tumble backwards and bump her head.

As adults, I believe we still have goals and dreams, but often put them aside, telling ourselves "one day I will do this or that," only to realize later that that time has passed.  Having a child with special needs has helped open my eyes to the realization that "one day" might not be how I plan it to be and it just might not happen unless I jump now. 

As a baby, Hayden was constantly sick and only slept in 2-4 hour intervals.  Now, most nights, although she doesn't go to bed until around 10pm, she usually sleeps til 5:30am or later if we are lucky, depending on how full her belly is and how active she was the previous day.  We are also getting better at recognizing signs of impending illness and have a direct e-mail connection with Hayden's pediatrician to ask for advice, medicine or recommendations at any hour of the day, thus thwarting the "really bad episodes" and possibility of seizures.  With her growth, though, comes an entirely new set of challenges.  She doesn't nap and does not sit still for even a moment.  She has never watched television, not even while I am attempting to cook dinner or go to the bathroom (which, would be a welcome blessing if she had the attention to focus for any length of time).  She is getting taller and heavier and is hard to just pick up and carry on my hip.  She has incredible strength and a reach - trust me, you don't want to sit at our table at a restaurant.  You may see your entire plate of food fly across the room in one quick swoop!  She pulls hair, claws people and bites, not out of meanness, the child does not have a mean bone in her body.  She is trying to figure out her way of communicating and is starting to show frustration that she can't let us know her thoughts.  At the end of each day, I am completely exhausted and drained.

My closest friends and my husband are the only ones who see the rundown, wornout side of me and have to wonder why I keep pushing myself with big racing goals and don't step down from new challenges or adventures.  I suppose it is because I truly have no idea what next year will hold for me, but I know what today is and what I can do with every minute of it to squeeze as much as I can out of each passing hour.  I have no idea if Hayden will be easier or more challenging in a year from now.  I don't know if I will have to say good-bye to training hard and racing, which if I do, I will not be saddened.  It will just be the start of a new phase of life.  I know I will always passionately train, it is part of my driven, Type A personality and I can't escape it.  It is my way of releasing built-up energy and finding my zen, or inner peace.  I remind my husband often that passion is good (although I think he thinks passion can sometimes be the same as hot-headedness).

I could walk away from racing today and never look back with regret.  I do not need medals, trophies, or new PR's to pat myself on the back.  It is not why I do it.  A long time ago (before David and the girls), I didn't understand this and would set out week after week to battle other women at the starting line.  I was full of self-doubt and would try to even talk myself out of finishing races.  I was too wrapped up in how I finished and who beat me.  Now, I laugh at the old me.  In the grand scheme of things... a 5K is 20 min of my life (or less hopefully!), a triathlon is a morning of playtime without kids and the worries of the world for a brief period.  Do people really remember if you have a good or a bad race?  Do they really care how you place?  Only the ones who are too wrapped up in beating you or getting beaten by you focus on those numbers and in reality, they don't really get it.

What I do have is a bucket list - a list of dreams of things I want to accomplish in life.  I focus every day on doing things that will help me get to and check off items off that list.  Since Hayden's birth, that list has become longer rather than shorter - my attitude has changed.  I throw myself into each goal with a "what do I have to lose if I give it my all and leave it all out there" philosophy.  I rate my finishes in races based on how mentally tough and positive I was out there on the course rather than how I placed in the race.  I may look look a goober to race photographers, but 99% of the photos I see after the race have me giving the camera a big smile and thumbs up.  I can't help it - for one, I am thanking the people on the course for volunteering their time and getting up hours before the sun to make this possible for people like me, and two, I am loving every step of the way, sharing my talent and glorifying God.

I hope to write more soon about future bucket list adventures as well as recently accomplished goals, like running a race out in the Colorado Rocky Mountains, tackling a 1/2 Ironman distance race in the North Georgia Mountains, and watching my daughter run, bike and swim with a smile on her face and happiness in her heart this summer.  Hope you enjoy the journey!