“I don't get it,' Caroline said, bemused. 'She's the only one with wings. Why is that?'
There were so many questions in life. You couldn't ever have all the answers. But I knew this one.It's so she can fly,' I said.Then I started to run.”
― Sarah Dessen (The Truth About Forever)
There were so many questions in life. You couldn't ever have all the answers. But I knew this one.It's so she can fly,' I said.Then I started to run.”
― Sarah Dessen (The Truth About Forever)
 |
| Hayden Grace McCurdy, age 4 Angelman Syndrome, Del (+) |
I have asked God hundreds of times "Why did you do this to my little girl?" "Why can she not speak, struggle with walking, eating, sleeping, interacting with her sister?" "What did we do to deserve this life?" It is a hard life, harder than anything I could ever have imagined facing a few years ago.
The answer to the above questions is being revealed to me daily, usually when I am at my lowest point. Sometimes it is in a song, like John Waller's "While I'm Waiting" -the lyrics became my mantra throughout Hayden's first 2 years of life when we fought illness after illness and finally coming to terms with her diagnosis. "While I'm waiting I will serve you...I will run the race, even while I wait." After moving back to Peachtree City and beginning to run hard and race again, I found my passion through Chris Tomlin's "Our God". I began to realize that Our God truly is Greater, Stronger, Higher than any other. Our God is the Healer. He is Awesome.
Last year, only days before attempting my first 1/2 Ironman in honor of my little girl, I heard Matthew West's "Strong Enough". Little did I know this song would resound in my head during the final miles of the run, when the mind was the most vunerable to giving in to the temptation to stop. I do believe it was God who was speaking to me through the lyrics, reminding me of Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I don't have to be strong enough on my own.
This year, I keep waiting to hear that powerful song, the one that pushes me towards the finish line. I am struggling with a chronically tight calf which irritates the Achilles tendon, a strain in my hip and a sore foot on the opposite leg. Every run and bike ride I do hurts. My husband now travels during the middle of the week for work so on my own, I am trying to give Hailey (age 7) a normal life with all the opportunities a little girl deserves, while toting Hayden along, who gets into everything, can only walk short distances on her own, and breaks my back to carry. My family has not asked to babysit our girls, specifically Hayden, in a year, even though they live a few miles away. This truly hurts me at my deepest core. I have good children. I know Hayden is a challenge, but she is a challenge for me too. There is no manual for her. We have to learn through daily (and nightly) experiences just like everyone else in the special needs world. David's family has not been around us much this past year after his dad suffered an aortic aneurysm rupture that left him in the hospital for 4 months just prior to my 1/2 Ironman last summer. He, fortunately, is doing well now, slower, and has retired his business which was a couple miles from our house. My mother-in-law fell apart as a result of not being able to accept that life changes and has been battling her own set of issues since. We used to see them almost weekly when they stopped by after work and watch the girls so Dave and I could get a much-needed break and work out together. Without the help of our family, our breaks are fewer and much more far in between and my training, well, a luxury when I can fit it in. I find myself questioning why I am trying to still train through the pain, the lack of free time and fatigue.
Please understand I am not looking for sympathy. I am not a "woe is me" person. I believe all things happen for a reason, part of a bigger picture that is being revealed every day if we take the time to think, pray and reflect. Injury, as I have learned over the years, if taken care of, is temporary. The painful runs now help make the pain-free ones feel weightless and wonderful. I know most people have not had to go through what our family has over the past few years, but as a result, my relationship with my Father above is so much stronger and I live each day in faith, filled with His grace and forgiveness. I realize our story is touching people in ways I never imagined. Granted, at times I feel like I am being scrutinized, knowing that some people are waiting to see me screw up, which I do often, but that is human. Fortunately, God forgives and hopefully others will too. I am perhaps cynical of those who have so much: healthy children, homes, careers, talent, but don't appreciate their fortune. I judge yet wish not to be judged (yes, there is a parable about that and I remind myself of it often). I find myself humming a new song for this season of life, "Learning To Be The Light" by Newworldson. Hopefully, as I grow in this journey, though this challenging season, I can help others as well.
Life could be easier, but I wouldn't be writing this blog if it were. It could be boring, instead it is a daily, thrilling, albeit exhausting, adventure. I might not be able to cross as many finish lines as others, as fast as others, but each race that I do have the opportunity to attempt will indeed be memorable. I am thankful for a little angel and her wings -she helps me glimpse a little of God's world through her eyes. She inspires me to dream bigger and be a bigger person.
Now, time to lace up my shoes and go for a run.
Comments
Post a Comment